Failure is Motivation

I had engaged myself in a relationship and it didn’t work out. I had a flare after a month of having been declared lupus-indicators-fee.


The relationship failed because of logistical circumstance. But I cannot deny that having lupus played a huge role too. When I had passed all the lupus tests, it gave me a license to be a “giver”, a license to give love to someone else. I became more courageous because I felt I was capable of being of service, I was capable of providing for someone else’s need. And during the time I was in great health, all these were true! But when the flare came up, I began to second guess myself and that doubt also played out in the relationship.

The failure in my health began with complacency. When everything was going okay, I slipped back to my bad habits of unhealthy eating and I was not managing my stress properly.

What’s on my mind:

What’s going on in my head is how I have to get my health back. I’m on medication now, and it’s helping me a tonne! Expect the high dose is also messing with my sleep together with figuring out how to move forward from my relationship.

Nevertheless, this goal is measurable. It will be based on my blood test results. Also getting back into fitness boosts my confidence on the things I will be able to do. It all starts with house chores I’m getting back into doing. My goal for next year is to start driving again, also the physical goals I listed down earlier this May: be able to do lunges, jumping squats–those basics.

My relationship experience was great and painful. Being so inexperienced, it taught me a lot about what it takes to have a mature relationship. There are so many more factors on top of compatibility and attraction; outside factors such as where we live, background, current state in life and familial responsibilities, the current direction (or lack of it) are all ingredients for success. But it was a good experience with the best kind of person.

I’m figuring out how I’m going to interpret and process our relationship in a way so that I can strive to be a better version of myself–more ready the next time. And my goal (at least what I want) is the same for him.

All these things are swimming in my head. But I’m taking it a day at a time.

Currently, the squats challenge is a success. I started out wheezing for breath during the first day and can do only 5-6 squats continuously, but I’m now up to 240 total squats a day and can do 15 continuous reps, no problem. 🙂  That, my friends, is progress!


Author: Joandrea

Hallo! I'm Joan! I write to tell stories that inspire.

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