Enter Zen from wherever you are. The Kingdom of God is in your midst. My struggle is my incessant wanting—surrender and allow it to be my yoga. Enter from where you are right now.
There’s this internal struggle within me that knows, not by thought, but by being that no material thing will ever add lasting joy to me. It will never add peace. I realize that my ego truly love wanting. It doesn’t get turned on by travel, by fame, by relationship, nor food, my ego gets orgasms from wanting. Oh there’s another thing, but less potent: getting recognized by my crush. But that’s a lesser evil, I have learned to detach with.
Wanting fills my mind. It isn’t even a big thing I want. They are small things. Like fountain pens, or notebooks, sometimes bigger things like a mobile phone, or a laptop. But more often than not, small things. Like small doses of cocaine, where you don’t get an OD but get enough hit to come back for more. I wake up to open Instagram to look at things. To desire things. Not all the time, but far too often.
I’m awake enough to know that having them doesn’t bring lasting joy, so I don’t pull the trigger on buying things as easily as I did before. I’m awake enough to know that this repeating thought is a dysfunction, a lie.
I think I’m going thru this struggle, because I’m about to awaken from the illusion of it. Perhaps my identity is on its way to loosen its grip from the pleasure of wanting. And yes, I find myself laughing sometimes on how pathetic my struggle is for more, and how unconscious it is from those who do not have enough.
This is my dysfunction. Not the only one. But one that currently fills my ego. This is where I will enter yoga.